colors

I saw something so beautiful it blinded me

for a brief moment

but it made me appreciate the masks I wear for each occasion

to conceal my own real feelings in the moment

30

ITS’ been a fun and wild week of turning 30

the week started last week with various friends taking me out to drink throughout the week nights

and my good friend Violet treating me to lunch on the day of (Friday)

capped off by an epic bbq that my friends and brothers helped throw together

it ends Wednesday with my last friend Bao taking me to lunch

I’ve taken some somber and sobering time to reflect about my …(presumably) half life thus far

and all the things I want/want to do yet, have not done, have already done…

and all the things I wish I had done already

and I am both more eager, and fired up to bust my ass ever hard toward the things

on my bucket list

and I am so mad at myself that I let some things fall to the wayside

that this anger and bitterness will drive me for the rest of my life

self-care II

I saw a cool job I think I would make a good fit for

application deadline is end of month…

I haven’t seriously thought about/actively job searched….

but I think I am gonna apply…lol

as I turn 30, I feel like…I have been a bit too complacent and have done nothing with my life…

at 26, Alexander The Great conquered the world

at 26, my father married and started our family

ugh…

lmfao

I don’t get paid enough here and it’s fantastic but some particular quirks of my boss just drives me nuts sometimes

and also..I was not happy about my 1 year review in October because I felt like some metrics I was graded against….I did not know I was being graded for ….

self-care

over the weekend, an old friend came back to town to visit family

so she wanted to hang out and catch up

I think I hurt her feelings a little

she wanted to play pool and have drinks…

ultimately I shot it down because I don’t like pool….

so we didn’t go to a bar/place with a pool table

I kinda feel bad

but not really

for far too long

I have always usually went along with and compromised too much for people

even my friends….some of them take me for granted in ways I can’t imagine and only recently realize

so now I am going to do more self care and be more selfish

I’ve never gotten my own massage, but have given others massages in the past

in the next few weeks I want to go get a real massage for myself

 

#selfcare

dreams of my father

it’s been a stressful/long ass fucking week

the next 1.5 days will be more draining….

I am so done

I wish my boss wasn’t so indecisive….

it drains my soul, stresses my mind/body/schedule to no end

I wish you could write a review on your boss….

annual reviews are too one-sided.

it needs to be a two-way relationship like anything else….

=====================================================================

earlier this week, I had an interesting dream

i was in some retreat

a facilitator asked everyone to write down something

I don’t recall the prompt

but we read each other’s writing

the person’s essay I read made me cry in the dream

it was an apology to his/her father, and for reconciliation

I awoke….

asking myself if it had deeper/similar meaning

to the way I am now starting to mend relations with my own father…..

bank

had a good conversation with a friend the other week about getting more serious about grad school and other future plans…

I am banking on a new, ambitious plan to set things back on track…

a 4 year plant to erase my debts so I can focus on getting back to school

the truest love

wherein lies the secret

to blossom your flower?

that I may know which seeds to water

in the next time I visit

once more

for let me know

how April showers May

I want that for you too