tomorrow

I am anxious about the future

today, a racist, bigoted fascist takes office

he first act has already been to affect the ability of poor people to buy homes

it makes my blood boil…having been someone who grew up refugee/immigrant and poor/having been on public assistance

in college, during my senior year, I had to be hospitalized

at the time, my father’s factory was in the process of being taken over by a larger company

so there was a transition period and hassle with new insurance carriers

I was under his insurance as a poor college student

the mix up of paperwork and insurance carrier changes made the hospital bill me directly

my father was getting old and would retire in the next decade

so I didn’t want to make a fuss and get him in trouble at his factory

for the next 3 years, I allowed the IRS to garnish my wages at tax filing to pay off that stupid hospital bill

being poor is expensive

ungrateful

why can’t you be a good friend and just not complaint?


in truth…

i don’t complain. not in the way most others do.

i may complain about little things, but they are trivial.

but i don’t complain about the big things

the things that wear me down and bog me down

i know my shoulders are bigger so I don’t trip or guilt

why can’t you be a good friend and stop complaining too?

movie

two movies got me teary-eyed

hasn’t happened in the theater in a while

about a week ago I saw “Fences”…Denzel Washington is a wonderful director and this movie was more like watching a play…it was deep and had so much meaning about family. Viola Davis does a wonderful performance in this. it is set up just like a play, with a few backdrops and all the characters just conversing in dialogue throughout.

last night, I saw Moonlight…. it is such a deep and moving rumination about manhood, fatherhood…and gender in the context of street life and African Americans. with the stigma that homosexuality has in African American culture, it is a timely rumination on gender, power, and manhood.


i am a hot mess……..

tried to pay my phone bill over the weekend online but I forgot my password, pin and was locked out for trying too often. now my phone is dead and not working (probably cuz the bill)…I have to physically go into Sprint today at lunch to settle this shit. lol

in other news,

I hired a good, cheap photoshoot (discount) yesterday. I anxiously await the results tonight. I need good, legit pictures of myself for personal and professional reasons

love

sometimes you got yourself some great friends

and other times you still have ungrateful ones who don’t think too far about selflessness and compassion for themselves or others

recently my college friend Lisa saw me posting pictures of social outings on my social media….she texts me guilt-tripping stuff about how I don’t invite her. I straight up tell her lame ass that it is her fault…she never comes/stopped coming to my events so at some point I stopped inviting her, period….and love and friendship is a two way street…you have to make the effort to go out and invite others too….not just wait for others to invite you….lame. I think I encouraged her to improve her 2017 social calendar. lmfao….I will hold her accountable.


speaking about such related things as friendly affection, different friends have different ways of expressing their love for you. my friend Crystal is always thinking of me and sending me postcards from everywhere she goes, and signs off with a heart. my friend Vi always makes sure I feel included – asking me to dance at a party when everyone else is dancing and I don’t dance, or always scooting right up to sit next to me in personal conversation no matter how close I already physically am to her or others. my friend Angie takes me to happy hour and gives you the warmest, strongest hug that is deeply personal and aggressive. my friends Doua and Malisa will bring me white bass once in while when their family members buy/fish them…bring them to my house, giving them to my parents as gift and refusing my cash, just cuz they know my parents love to eat steamed white bass.

I often wonder

and sometimes fear

if I am adequate

or too overwhelming in who I myself come off as affectionate to those I love

do I level out, or smother them or am I too cold and stoic?

I often wonder

and fear…………..

and have to balance sincerity with comfort and what the other party wants to receive or how receptive/mutual they are/feel

stupid people

nope… if your so called husband is out fishing every day after work and never comes home,,,he is not literally fishing…. he is out fishing other women. no man will have a hobby of that nature and dedication unless he can make a second income out of it. if you are blind stupid to it, then you don’t deserve to be in a relationship. that’s not for non-thinking people. my goodness…the stupid shit people write to ask advice on some of the social media advice pages. lmfao

 

you either blind or stupid or both, which makes you weak and worse of all….aiding and abetting, and thus ALLOWING his behavior

segments

I live in a life of acts

separated by parts, stretched across silos

I live apart, in part, and parts

my soul is not contiguous

to my body. my spirit. my will, my dreams. my values. my potential.

my body is segmented.

in some parts, I face backwards, in some parts, I am forward-facing

the growth I help you do does not reflect the nurturing I provide myself

I am not level.

now…

I must hibernate

and repent

for the next 6 years, I will repent for the last 8.

I live in silos.

my life is fragmented

my mind, my soul.

disenchanted.

disheartening

but I won’t walk back.