Dear Prudence

I read the dumbest thing yesterday

you had lied to yourself about the death/dying of the relationship for the last half-year

the fuck were you holding on to?

blind. deaf. denial. weakness and stupidity.

unforgivable.

no wonder he left.

 

========== excerpt from the 12/27/2016 Column of Dear Prudence ==========

Too soon?: Last week, my fiancé abruptly left me. He woke me up in the morning, announced that he had been planning his departure for two weeks, packed his bags, and left. At first, it was extremely shocking and painful for me. However, after a few days of reflection, I’ve realized I was in denial about the more unpleasant aspects of our relationship. He had been consistently unfaithful for the first few months we were together, and I never really got over it. Additionally, we hadn’t had sex for about seven months. He was definitely not the man for me, and we ended our relationship more as best friends and roommates sharing assets than as partners.

My question is: Is it too soon to start casually dating? We broke up about a week ago, and I already feel ready to start moving on. On the one hand, I feel callous and cold for beginning to get over things so quickly. On the other, we hadn’t been sexual in months, and if I’m being honest with himself, I fell out of love with him more than six months ago. An old fling reached out, and I’d like to grab a drink with him. Am I being too self-centered?

 

A: It is not self-centered to want to get a drink with an old boyfriend; get the drink and have a nice time. Feel free to spend some time over the coming weeks and months doing some self-searching. Ask yourself how you can recognize signs that a relationship is falling apart sooner in the future, and think about what you do and don’t want in a partner. But you can do those things and casually date at the same time. You’re not looking to move in with a brand-new boyfriend; you’re talking about the occasional drink or meal with someone interesting, and there’s no reason you should have to sequester yourself to mourn a relationship that ended a long time before anyone left.

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