gurl

as I get my shit together and try to sort out my life,

I finally went to a credit union this year to counteract and make me feel less guilty about my bank accounts/debts

this afternoon at lunch I stopped by the credit union to make a payment on a loan I had to get to pay back taxes

one of the tellers was so cute.

then I caught myself

on the way there, I blasted the music with the windows down

my hair is a mess.

——–good call

you don’t flirt when she looks good

you flirt when SHE DOES

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the cute bartender at my favorite bar bought me a drink

I said I wanted to buy HER a drink on ME

I asked her what she wanted

she said SOCO, which is a lie….

that’s MY drink, and she knew me enough to know that.

and said the drink was on her after the toast

lol

what a sweetheart

when the pretty girl buys you a drink instead of you buying her a drink

that’s every guy’s dream come true

ha

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brother

if your parents didn’t divorce, our families would be closer

and our bond would be more cohesive

a life without brothers

is no life at all

but let us not mourn what love is lost

let us rebuild stronger, what was always there

weddings 2

the next month is going to be killer with weddings

my goodness

my own brother’s will be on 8/20

a male cousin’s will be on the 27, and then I was just asked by an uncle to be on the traditional wedding party for his daughter, on 8/6…there is a first time for everything, as a man I cannot escape this duty, so I must go and learn.


one thing is for sure. with my next youngest bro marrying, now my parents will pressure me even more to marry/settle down….I gotta get a girlfriend first. lmfao

 

if…

friends come and go

only few stay on for life

let those be treasured

but I have no remorse of care if you unfriend me over petty stuff…

if you did not text me when I was drunk, and provoke me with provocative questions,

I would not angrily drunk text you back, and piss you off

and our friendship would not end this day.

don’t test my temper.

one would know better, I had thought.

but you rolled the dice, and that’s fine.

your gamble.

secrets

for as long as I can recall,

I don’t know how and why, but people have seen in me some kind of black vault of secrets

like I’m a dumpster for their problems, issues, fears, insecurities and drama

and they come to confide in me their darkest struggles, secrets and conflicts

I don’t know what it is about me

because I am surprised. I always thought I came off as the unapproachable type…stern with military bearing and harsh, rough looking, not very friendly at first impression.

the other day a good old friend/former colleague asked me to coffee, and she was telling me the horrors of her newish job…the dysfunction and her desire to move on already… I realized that all I did was listen and forgot to react…but I guess that’s all she wanted. I sent a follow up e-mail…but sometimes, they just want another human to listen.

during my lunch hour I went to get a book signed for a friend.

the book was written by another close friend. she is an inspirational writer and storyteller.

almost four years ago she confided to me a deep, tragic shame,,,the loss of her first born…the baby was stillborn. in helping her talk and listen, I helped inspire her husband to talk more openly about the issue…all too often, men in society are not as vocal on issues of childbirth…like we should/must… we should talk about premature babies and stillborn babies…not let society shame us into silence and secret crying sessions out of fear of ridicule and judgment.

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I have another college friend

he likes to treat me to happy hour drinks once in a blue moon

he sees me as an unofficial professional mentor, both life coach and business mentor in his life

I do my best…but he is in the private sector and makes more money than I can dream of.

which is weird.

I don’t mind…just give me my beer and You can have your wise life advice. ha

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I don’t say this to brag, but to reflect, and appreciate

that perhaps that is the best and most sacred responsibility I have a as friend, brother, mentor, coach and man. I’m glad I can be a rock for others….even if sometimes I question how I can be a rock for myself….but the journey is long, and always inwards. for me. at least. they would never know the burdens of all these secrets.

 

emotion(less)

mother annoyed me the other night

she gave my younger brothers and I a short lecture…

basically she was chiding us for not doing anything for father’s day, in particular she was mad that we didn’t do anything at all or even take him out for dinner or give him money for a new walking shoe…I had no idea he wanted/needed a new pair of shoe. no fucking idea.

the things that angers me the most is that…our family mostly grew up not doing these holidays at all…only in recent years have we done them…and only then mainly for the nieces/nephews …

besides… my family is a very traditional Hmong fam, and my parents did not raise us to be emotional, we were never taught much affection in words or physicality… so I try to be affectionate to everyone outside the family, but not inside the family…. because we weren’t socialized that way. it’s kinda awkward. and we’re not used to that with each other…besides, we don’t need grandiose grandstanding to express our love/support for one another anyway.

Mother has her own issues and sometimes she takes it out on us..one of the few things she can control…and it’s fine…but to accuse us of being ungrateful/not great sons for not doing father’s day….I think is out of bounds. my own fucking father did not show us affection growing up…why am I fucking obligated to start now? I show my love in other ways. take it or leave it.


maybe it’s just women….

maybe women care more about the lack of celebration or observance of a holiday or thing

I sure as hell don’t want to give the wrong expectations of anything…

this is why I hold back my emotions

this is exactly why I don’t care too much for emotions…why I try my best not to be like my mother

on money and other things

money money money

growing up poor is a curse and a blessing…

it has made me paranoid of being poor the rest of my life, yet hasn’t helped me better understand or wrap my head around better financial planning….it’s made me more sensitive to how I view the world, and family life…and sometimes harshly or not so much…judge others… and myself.

the other day my oldest brother gave us younger brothers an impromptu lecture on spending…and in recent days both my parents have done similarly… I know times are tough, and it’s not like I or we go out of our way to not pitch in and carry our own, but I think sometimes the elders just assume and think the worse that you’re being young and shirking responsibility. sometimes I feel/get bitter about the past, or the present…that/when my younger brothers were spoiled and didn’t have to pick up their own slack around the house on finances…but I also know that we’re all wiser now and we’re not all ungrateful or not helping each other anymore either….

it angers me to wrestle with these things, especially when someone is nagging me about to do so.


poverty can foster empathy, I think.

someone once asked me why I was so generous, where did I get it from?

I knew the answer right away. it wasn’t far.

one of my earliest memories was being a poor schoolboy in California.

we were so poor and on welfare all those years…I had no idea how poor we were until now.

when teachers would have designated snack times for us once in a blue moon where we just lounge and watch a movie in class on a Friday afternoon…everyone’s parents packed them cool snacks…all my mom could afford was some cheap candy popcorn and soda…which is fine. I loved it. and some of the cheapest and greatest snacks we made at home was simply dipping white bread into soda.

we were so poor, some of the things I looked forward to most were free food…

like school carnivals, or most importantly….the academic awards for reading books…back then you could win free meals from Pizza Hut or Burger King/McDonalds for book readings.

one time there was something going on at school…and they gave out free ice cream….

I went back for round two…the teenage boy handing them out at first refused, and said each person only gets one ice cream, but his father came over and ordered him to give me a second ice cream. that is one of my earliest memories. and that has stuck with me for life…that is why I constantly pass it forward and am very generous. but don’t worry…I’m not a pushover either. don’t get on my bad side, lol.