ripples

I closed my eyes and spoke to you a thousand silent ways

the most genuine and beautiful thing in this world is a sincere smile

I bundle things I shouldn’t bundle…

I pretend things don’t get to me

and I suffer in silence at the hurting

a man’s problems are his own

and it’s my burden

tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep

but I find it hard to switch off when my mind’s working

I ponder things I shouldn’t ponder with

off the rails, my train of thought’s wandering

sick of pretending to be so happy

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reflexes

I think in the last few years I have regretted wasting valuable time not going after the things I want, doing the things I want to pursue…and some of it was out of fear and worse, complacency. I think only now do I begin to appreciate and abhor the cost, the value and damage it has done…I think I was too complacent and letting life throw things at me and content in whatever that came….in whatever form or medium … and instead of fighting, dodging and going against the grain, I just took it or was blind for one reason or another… at least the first step is to admit that this was a problem….so as I move forward I want to be more conscious. I want to put down some hard roots, plans and legwork for grad school….

 

I’ve never felt so disappointed in myself, in a long time.

panel

earlier this week, I went to table at a panel for my work

there was a panel of 3 really cool, inspiring leaders from communities of color

one guy was a Korean adoptee. he came to the US at 7, given up by his mother.

he doesn’t say exactly why and the context….so I don’t know if his mother was a single mom, but it sounds like it, based on what he later says next…

he has spent the last several years crusading to change the law to allow foreign adoptees to automatically get US citizenship…apparently loopholes in the laws previously denied this right promised to them….it blew my mind and I had no idea…some kids don’t know they’re not a US citizen until it’s too late…they travel abroad and can’t come back, in limbo, or are deported for a minor crime, etc.

so he talked about the passion he had in fighting for these rights

and he talked about the struggle his mom went through

saying that his mom was disowned by her own family, and not even buried in the same grave plot as her family.

this got me and a few others in the audience very much teary-eyed…..

divorce is a huge negative stigma in many Asian cultures, in particular the East Asian countries.

what a great, strong, bold person to take on his fight….

long and cold

in dreams so vivid, you come to me

and the dreams are so fluid

I wake up dancing to the joy of your presence

only to be disappointed.

but upon my waking and in the dreams

I seek the answers to questions I don’t want the answer to.

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“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”
― Rumi

thinking forth

I embark on a 5 day weekend

I have a lot of PTO in my newish job so I am taking advantage

what to do with so much free time?

lol

I want to do more pleasure reading and watch more movies I haven’t seen

also….I can’t wait to get back to doing art…

I have lost touch for a while…

I am a renaissance man, after all

 

 

love

go and tell..

tell her that you love her.

finally.

that you love her as much as you love your country.

each ravine, every crevasse of her arctic ice sheets, to every crag in the volcanoes

you know her like the beaches you adore, knowing each time the tide does change

you know her like the deepest darkest forest which you have come to know and respect

that you love her like even the boring rolling hills on a cloudy day

because you just do

because the land is yours and you are the land’s

and you love her just as you know her

and you love her as you love this country.

weddings

over the weekend, I attended an old college friend’s wedding. To be truthful, he was more of an acquaintance…he’s a great, smart, nice, socially awkward guy..but we weren’t really close at all in college…we just hang out with the same crowd sometimes and I guess we were also in the same program to help first generation college students… so I was surprised to get his wedding invitation, to be honest…I decided to attend at last, because I knew other friends were going. It was a great affair. there were many light moments, when a few of the wedding party gave hilarious toasts…the bride even had her 2nd grade teacher give a roast. that was funny. I never heard of a matron of honor…I guess you learn something new every day…they had a lady there as that. the bride was into show horses so the wedding was on a horse ranch, and she walked down the aisle after getting off her favorite competition horse. that was something else.

my guy’s new father-in-law had an hilarious line. he said a friend told him the two most important words in the English language are “yes, dear.” but that he gave permission to his new son-in-law to resist sometimes.

the best man had a good zinger too…that the bride was very disorganized, and met the very much more organized groom, so they match.

I’m glad I attended.


#privaterant

I get annoyed at how clingy my boss’ husband is. this guy will call to chat about every random little, trivial thing/question, or just to chat, apparently…during/throughout the work day! I guess I’m annoyed because I can’t stand clingy people…but in truth…I have never had a girlfriend before…and I fear being clingy myself….but that’s exactly what I don’t want to be/have….lmfao