perfection #3

In my third rant against perfection, I nearly embrace it.

In my first rant, I recount how I became rabidly against perfection from the trauma of a young boy, being chided by my father for my lack of perfect handwriting…both in cursive and in standard form but especially for my ugly cursive…. my father had great cursive and we couldn’t measure up to him by he would berate us for it…and it made me feel little, and worse, and out of control and disappointed…and angry. From then on, my rebellion against perfection was both one against his tyranny of the pursuit, and his authority, period.

As I grew older, I embrace more and more, as wise, rational people should…that perfection is not attainable…it is a worthy, honorable, and good ideal and pursuit…but it is futile. For to pursue it with absolute zeal becomes unreasonable and tyrannical in itself, and for so many reasons it becomes a tool of manipulation of others and oppression of the self.

and yet…

I find in some ways I became what I feared, and ran towards what I thought I tried to run away from. In some ways, I have unconsciously pursued perfection..in some ways I have tried to be overly competitive with myself or others for the same stupid fucking reason.

 

I find myself mad for this. mad at myself.and the world.

I have to have more self control, discipline and introspection.

I can’t let this go and become so unconscious.

I can’t stand perfectionists, and loathe being around such people…. it is a blessing that I have a short temper, for I do not suffer fools.

turning a new leaf

In many ways, great and small, 2016 is off to a great and dreadful start. In some ways, this is the year I start over in many ways…and in some ways, it is the year I dig deeper into my roots to lay a stronger foundation. I really love that my new job allows me the greater flexibility of my own time management and the amount of stress has definitely added years to my life, which had seen the other years sacrificed away in my old job…

In some ways…I will be starting a new because I have to. Some things you lose. Some things you have to regrow. Some people you must leave or drift apart from. Some ideals must die. New dreams must sprout.

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It is a time of rebirth.

It is the usual time of wedding bell announcements.

I got an old college friend who just asked me for my address. He is engaged and wants to send out invitations. Another close college friend is finally tying the knot. She is marrying another good guy I knew in college. I just received their save the date destination invite in mail. It’s in a foreign country, so I won’t spend the money to go…but I will mail them a nice gift.

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My oldest brother just moved out of the house with his family. They are renting a home not too far. In the process, they packed up and uncluttered a lot of old stuff….and I found some of my old papers …. in a bag of my old crap from 2011…amongst mostly old tuition bill stubs I paid, was a thank you note/birthday letter from a friend, who, in 2011, asked me to help get her out of a harrowing and hair-raising abusive relationship. It was a hellish time, process and year. I can’t believe it’s been 6 years. I was talking to her about it this past weekend…what a wonderful anniversary to mark, and recount the process of growth and reclamation she has had in the time since.

 

it is a season of rebirth