end of year

Life is fragile. life is harsh.

hard, and brutish.my new work place gave me the rare gift of time, the most important gift in this world…I just started this job and technically have no PTO…but the big boss gave us all a week off for Xmas…no PTO used.  I took advantage of it and went to visit my sister on the west coast. it was wonderful to meet my third nephew on her side for the first time. the two older boys are so much more smart, wiser and mature now, as they approach the teens. it was a short visit, and I saw many old relatives I hadn’t seen in half a decade too. but while there, my brother in law’s cousin committed suicide…apparently he shot himself in bed…leaving his wife and two young children…. I don’t know what his demons were, but it was a stark reminder of the immediacy of life and its fragility…

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If I was too subtle, it may go over her head…but if I was too bold, I don’t want to come off as too forward. And most of all I can’t stand to sit idle, or worse…be fooled, or foolish.

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a good friend recently confided in me that her last relationship was an abusive one. I was shocked and angry…but I have to step back and remember that these things happen that way…often it takes the victim time and space to remove herself and see herself from a third party light, to see the light of her own glow…what a scourge is this.

take your time

I am in love with this new song.

I heard the cover by Adrian Marcel, and realized the original is country…which is even more cool.

============ Lyrics ============

“Take Your Time”

I don’t know if you were looking at me or not
You probably smile like that all the time
And I don’t mean to bother you but
I couldn’t just walk by
And not say, “Hi”

And I know your name
‘Cause everybody in here knows your name
And you’re not looking for anything right now
So I don’t wanna come on strong
Don’t get me wrong

Your eyes are so intimidating
My heart is pounding but
It’s just a conversation
No, girl I’m not wasted
You don’t know me
I don’t know you but I want to

I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

I don’t wanna wreck your Friday
I ain’t gonna waste my lines
I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

And I know it starts with “Hello”
And the next thing you know you’re trying to be nice
And some guys getting too close
Trying to pick you up
Trying to get you drunk

And I’m sure one of your friends is about to come over here
‘Cause she’s supposed to save you from random guys
That talk too much and wanna stay too long
It’s the same old song and dance but I think you know it well

You could’ve rolled your eyes
Told me to go to hell
Could’ve walked away
But you’re still here
And I’m still here
Come on let’s see where it goes

I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

I don’t have to meet your mother
We don’t have to cross that line
I don’t wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time

I don’t wanna go home with you

I just wanna be alone with you

I don’t wanna steal your freedom
I don’t wanna change your mind
I don’t have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

I don’t wanna blow your phone up
I just wanna blow your mind
I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

No, I ain’t gotta call you baby
And I ain’t gotta call you mine
I don’t have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

 

 

Sam Hunt has the original

reposting Paulo Coelho’s FB status

Paulo Coelho

CLOSING 2015
One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?
You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.

You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.
But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister.
Everyone is finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.
Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.

Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.
Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.
This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Paulo Coelho

New beginnings

Growing up, our family never did Christmas…we aren’t Christian, and never really got into the holiday spirit because we were also immigrant/poor, and my parents couldn’t buy us gifts…and that’s fine… lol although sometimes my mom would go get us donated toys from a local church. But now that we’re all mostly adults now and the oldest brother has young kids, apparently we’re trying to kindle a little bit of the spirit. So last night marked the fourth anniversary of a new tradition for our family… we gather for Xmas, have a nice big dinner, then open secret santa presents. My brother immediately younger than me got me a nice slide belt, new coat and sweater with matching scarf. I got my baby sister a water bottle, some perfume and expensive makeup…. the makeup…I would have had no clue about except thankfully my friend Winona offered to help me pick it out so we went to Sephora and she picked it out. lol. thank goodness…I felt so ignorant and lost in that place….she calls it girl heaven. I can see why. It was a nice great dinner…my older brother made a great pork roast.

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I don’t mean to paint something or someone with a broad stroke but I will…. man, fuck the banks. they are ruthless leeches. last year when I was starting to rebuild my credit… I tried to talk to a banker about how I can more effectively square away my remaining debt, they were evasive and not helpful….but now that I have shown more money in my bank accounts, the teller referred me to a banker to get financial advice…I blew both of them off…I know how it is… you don’t fucking want to help me when I’m not as well financially…but now that I am, you want to take my fucking money….AND help me…fuck the banks.

 

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the amount of stress in my life has calmed down…very much, a lot of it attributed to my recent job change….but I am determined to rebrand a new me and seek more change and opportunity in 2016.

See you in the new year.

I will fly to my hometown this afternoon and be back next Monday.

Holidays

The last 6 years, I was a hardworking public servant…in some ways I still work too much… I don’t care for the holiday period as I am not a religious person, but with my new job…my new big boss was nice and gave the whole office the whole next week off….we were all surprised…I am most grateful… for the first time in 6 years I will take the opportunity to go on a short vacation…I will fly to and from my hometown, while some other friends road trip there…we’ll gather and celebrate our own cultural new year down in my hometown. I will be glad to see my oldest sister and her family again. I miss the two older boys and can’t wait to see her youngest son whom I have not yet met.

The old year is ending on a great note. I will fly next Thursday and I will come back the following Monday.

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The last week I have had some crazy dreams..some stupid, senseless, some strange, but a few interesting ones…made me feel lucky, so I bought a few lotto tickets and scratch offs. We’ll see. lol