Ánders – You Didn’t Need My Love

 

Ánders – You Didn’t Need My Love 

 

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Girl there’s too many questions, I don’t think that my naive, little head can solve. We’ve been chasing our tails, I know that this distance will kill the spark we hold. But my love, Please don’t cry now, You didn’t need my love, my love. So don’t start now. Oh I’ve seen it tried before, I think that you underestimate the pain. And I know you won’t believe it now, but maybe we will cross each others paths again, and feel the same. But my love, Please don’t cry now, You didn’t need my love, my love. So don’t start now. Oh my love, My love, My love, Oh so don’t start now. But my love, Please, don’t cry now, Although I need your love, your love I won’t start now, I can’t start now.

leaves of grass

of love and misadventure, nothing gives me as little satisfaction as unrequitted love

and between the truths and lies, there is no illusion greater than the lies we tell ourselves

with little, and by a lot… you leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

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It is good to see my parents have more time together and in particular, to be more relaxed.

our father finally was able to retire this year after working about 30 years…hard to keep us out of poverty (through and out of it) …

we’re not rich, nor comfortable…yet…lol..but we’re not where we used to be either…. and that’s better…

because the best person you should compete with us yourself…to be better today than you were yesterday. and better today for tomorrow, after that.

my father was always too busy growing up – aside from work he would have other family obligations…clan leader role….community mediator, community teacher of our language, etc., and now that he is retired, he and mom can finally do things together that keep them both active and together…like going out for walks/jogs and doing their shared hobbies like gardening…

it’s good to see my dad finally rest after all these years…. he worked so hard… he’s made great sacrifices…we have no idea…still don’t,…even if we only/even see a bit of it…we cannot qualify, we cannot quantify… he changed his work hours to 12 hour overnight shifts just so he could help send us to school …and later reversed that so he can take us to after school sports…. he doesn’t talk much…about his sacrifices and is the strongest man I know emotionally… but he once let out that he used to smoke as a young man…but he quit when he came to this country because we were poor and cigarettes are expensive…. what an amazing discipline. the harsh nature of his factory work has taken a toll on his hands/fingers. it is well that he is now rested from work.

 

lack of gratitude

Women can be such complicated and contradictory people. They want you to pay attention, and yet, can be ungrateful when you do – what’s worse, they expect you to read their minds, or to be able to read minds in general, and yet, sometimes you wonder if they’re even paying attention to you. The strangest thing is, that they communicate on a totally different plane than men. Men communicate to get direct or indirect action on a subject, we talk to each other, and then do something. Women talk….just to talk. They don’t think you’ll act on something if they tell you. For men, it is a spoken and unspoken truth. Like if she tells you a problem and you try to fix it, she’ll freak out or withdraw or object… but for men, that is exactly is what is expected….if I tell you a problem, that means I wouldn’t mind if you ran with an idea and helped me try to correct it. Anyway… men are from mars and women are from venus. And that is exactly how and why.

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It’s been a rough month for my finances, in June. I spent close to $400 in my money alone (not considering my time and energy/gas) for a very ungrateful friend’s wedding. The production was way more work than it was necessary, and it was hell dealing with his bridezilla wife. It was the strangest and dumbest thing I’d ever been a part of, because the entire wedding party was made to plan every logistical detail, and make it… I understand that they didn’t hire a wedding planner, but still, if that were the case, the had no right or business imposing all that burden to the wedding party. They should have done more of everything themselves. They asked so much of our time and energy, it was fucking ridiculous…. I objected at every step of the way, and because of my strong objections, they scaled back a lot of unnecessary bull shit. Two main examples include…. 3 planned rehearsals skimmed back to 1. And best of all…the constant meetings… the bridezilla at first demanded face to face, all party check ins every two weeks. It was scaled back, thankfully, or I would have resigned and ended friendships for life. I can be very short tempered, but I can also be extremely patient. I guess my third best example should be…the bridezilla tried to get the wedding party to pay for rehearsal dinner. This was outrageous and I strongly objected…so this did not happen. The most infuriating thing for me was how weak, clueless and ignorant my friend was. He was just a pushover for his bridezilla and she controlled everything and he was passive, and his weakness was stupid and unforgivable… as ungrateful as they are, I wonder if they know or care that from now on my friendship with them is forever frayed. I will go out of my way not to hang out with them or associate with them. I know for a fact that my friendship is not the only one impacted in this mess…. You cannot allow your bf/gf/fiancée/spouse to alienate your friends in such a manner. It is unmanly and unforgivable. Why would you sacrifice your friends in this manner…. I don’t get it. Crazy thing is I told him straight up about these blinders, but he doesn’t care. But I will never be in another wedding party. My short temper has exploded and I only stayed in because I know that if I pulled out my other friends would do so and the wedding would crumble. Never again, will I be a part of a wedding party.

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Though it’s been a rough month for my finances… my credit is continuing to rise and it’s the best it has been in recent memory. For the rest of the year I will never charge my credit card again and stay committed to paying off as much of it as I can. It’s not easy. But it’s not impossible.

things fall apart

Life is fragile. Over the weekend, the younger brother of my oldest sister in law attempted suicide. He tried to hang himself in his closet… his little girl found him, but she was too young to know better, and while he was unconscious on the floor, she thought he was sleeping. By the aweful grace of heaven, he is recovering well at the hospital. I have heard of and known friends of friends and family of distant friends who have done such things…but never this close to home… I hope the guy gets the help needs going forward.

 

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I’ve gone to a few coed baby showers in the past. One of them left a bad taste in my mouth because we played too many silly games…silly as in very girly and kiddish… and I sat out for some of them…which also made me feel bad. So I wondered if I would ever go to another baby shower again. My good friend had a baby shower for her baby girl that is on the way. I’m glad I went. I warned her the week before that I may not go because of my past experience with baby showers…I don’t’ want to come be a party pooper and not participate if there are too many silly games…. Luckily, her sister-in-law that organized the event didn’t make us play silly games….it was a more socializing/eating event. And I’m glad I went because I know how much it means to her, in particular, how much she has wanted to be a mommy. I know she offers to baby sit and take home her sister’s child. I joke with her that she’s so desperate to be a mommy she’s borrowing her sister’s kid to adopt. She didn’t like the joke but I’m right. Haha.

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I’m relieved that this is a 3 day weekend.

I need a break and it will be a great opportunity to wind down.

I don’t get too many holidays in my line of work, and so a 3 day weekend is always very much cherished.

I am also hosting a bbq at my house for the 4th weekend and look forward to that too.