some people don’t realize that abusive relationships don’t need to be conscious
they search for excuses, reasons, logic, deflect the blame…. think…my abuser is not meaning to hurt me, harm me, hit me,…. or he does so because of x, y, z….if only I did a,b,c to change that, to change him/her, to improve the relationship – – the onus is on ME to change and perfect…. that’s wrong, self-destructive and unhealthy, self-defeating thinking. it’s exactly how and why they fear getting help…in addition to shame and the fear of abandonement and loneliness and other stigma of being a victim.
what many victims of abuse don’t realize is what experts tell us all the time:
1) abuse doesn’t have to be physical or sexual – – it can be emotional and verbal, religious, gender-related, indentity based, financial, psychological, etc. it need not be “violent”
2) abuse is abuse is abuse…. the abuse doesn’t have to be conscious about it. the victim doesnt have to question this because how sincere and conscious the abus(er) is has no bearing on the fact that the victim is going throug abuse
3) all forms of abuse and its coercive controls, possessiveness, manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, is very much all about power and control. abuse in all forms and across all symptoms is all about power and control….how does the abuser keep the victim in their grasp and influence….. they make you want them, they force you to please them only and always, they trick you to think/make them the center of YOUR universe and if you have no identity outside your abuser/relationship YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
too often people think they can make excuses and lies for their abusive partner …. too often lie to themselves to hide the pain and truth… too often they don’t realize these 3 important truths.
great help and insights below:
ABUSE NO MORE
MY EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE
DOMESTIC ABUSE PROJECT
NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)